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Thinking that you’re feeling – the common mistake that blocks you

All too often, the head thinks it knows how the heart is feeling. The head talks about these feelings. The head likes thinking about these feelings. The head has great little stories to reinforce and understand these feelings. But it’s all bollocks.
The heart is actually feeling something else. The heart would like to tell the head how it’s feeling, but the head is singing “la la la, I know how you’re feeling already. I don’t need to listen to you! I KNOW it all. I am the head. I am the boss. La la la la la…”

The head ignores the heart. The head doesn’t even know that it has ignored the heart. It’s oblivious to how it’s ignoring the heart and the Real Feelings you have. After all, the head thinks that it knows the heart already.

The heart gets despondent. It quiets down. It doesn’t get any opportunity to speak up and be heard. It gets sad.


…time passes…


The heart needs to communicate. You’re doing something daft and the heart has serious Feelings about it all. You need these Feelings. You need to know them.

The head has forgotten how to listen to the heart. It ignores the heart. The head still thinks that it is feeling. A mistake.


…time passes…


The heart finds ways to communicate.

The heart gets passive-aggressive on your hiney. It blocks you. It obstructs you. You can’t move on. You procrastinate (ha ha! The heart has slowed you down!) You can’t get anything done. Motivation is gone. The heart is doing its best to stop you so you have time and space to feel. But its method is blunt and even if/when you do stop, you don’t necessarily know how to feel and process your feelings. It’s been a long time since you did any of that.

The heart sneaks out in unexpected moments. Flare-ups of anger. Outbursts. Untimely tears. A strange depth of feeling when you hear the music that your grandma used to love. Lashing out at your partner for leaving their socks on the floor. The feelings inside seep out through the cracks.

The head forces the heart into silence. Depression – absence of feelings. Or inability to feel/connect with Feelings. The head now knows that it isn’t feeling. Or it’s only feeling the emptiness that is there when you feel no feelings. Depression sucks.

The heart forces its way into your conscious awareness. Breakdown! No, breakthrough. Emotional tsunami. Uncontrollable. Dangerous. Inexplicable and unmanageable. Emotions tumble out, you can’t function normally any more. Something has broken.


Life would be a lot simpler if you just felt your Feelings in the first place. If your head valued your heart’s input to the conversation. If your heart was allowed to be at the table and speak.

I come across this disconnect all too often in client sessions. I do it too. It’s a common malady of our intellect-driven age. All think and no feel.

I wish there were a simple solution. It’s more of a long and steady path of unlearning unhelpful habits, and learning helpful ones. Unlearning the automatic ways we block our hearts. Undoing the damage of years of not feeling. Learning how to feel something at the time it’s happening (or a short time afterwards).

It’s a new skillset to learn. How to really feel your of Feelings. How to recognise and process feelings. How to create and hold a safe space for the feelings to be in. How to pay attention to your feelings and decide how/when to act on them – if and when appropriate.

Learning this takes time, effort, persistence.

Above all, you first need to recognise that your head is blocking your heart, that it’s a problem, and that you can do something about it.

You can get there. You can have your heart and head better connected than they are right now. You can walk the path.

The question is this: do you want to?


The information contained above is provided for information purposes only. The contents of this webpage are not intended to amount to advice and you should not rely on any of the contents of this webpage. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this webpage. Sue Mahony PhD disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this webpage.

Sue Mahony PhD is gifted, autistic, and ADHD. She provides 1:1 specialist support for brains similar to her own, neurodiversity training, mentoring & coaching for organisations, and a wealth of articles on this website.

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